I did it again.

I did it again. I gave myself away. That old habit of offering my heart too freely. Haunted once again by those old wounds that tighten my grip on things I have no control over. The fear of being alone consuming me until I am no longer making wise decisions. It happened again.

My mother in all her love trying to reach me through my wet hot pain came over this morning with coffee.
Her eyes intent on reminding me of my beauty. Her arms ready to soothe the ache. Her voice gently caressing a door in my heart I can’t seem to keep closed.
We sat together reading poetry. Tasting words that scratch at the truth of existence, all that we feel and all that we are.
She sat with me and beared witness to my suffering. In silence from two couch cushions away she held me with her love.


And then brilliance from a deep desire to heal her child’s hurt fountained to her face. She lit up with an idea. The love of my mother sought to stretch a smile from my lips.

We went to the bank and pulled out 5 $20 bills and hoped on Dodge St. and headed downtown. We handed one out to every homeless person we saw. I recognize that not everyone has $100 to hand out, and the act of giving should not be for the fulfillment of yourself. At the same time, one can’t help but feel uplifted at the thought of making someone’s day. I was reminded that when it feels like you’re empty, and you couldn’t possible give anymore…the human heart endures and gives anyway. I found my smile returning. I found myself loving each one of the strangers. Loving again just moments after having loved denied to me. How magical these human hearts are!

As I heal from having my heart mistreated, I will carefully with awe of my own magnificence cradle my heart. I’m going to love myself. Wrap myself in more compassion than I ever have before. My lovingkindness to myself is my sanctuary. I may make a fool of myself. I may not be seen in all my glory by others. I may be misunderstood. That is okay. I’d rather be thought a fool than waste my precious breath explaining my worth to someone.

To not be seen is awfully painful. But the only person that really needs to see your brilliance and beauty is you. When heart break comes, let yourself feel what you need to feel. And then, believe in the power of the heart- it’s ability to heal and continue to love. Because in truth- the heart is never actually broken.