I am mentally ill. I have struggled with mental illness my whole life. My first diagnosis was generalized anxiety with panic attacks. Then, came the manic depression. Then, came the eating disorder. Then, things got foggier. Whether it was Bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder or just the eating disorder deteriorating my brain was up for debate between several psychiatrists. By the time I was 20, what my parents and loved ones knew for sure was that I was mentally unstable.
What does mentally unstable mean?
It means that I have tried cutting myself. I have been medicated. I have been to treatment for an eating disorder. I have had fits of rage and breakdowns of depression. I have had suicide attempts. I have had decades in therapy. I have had messy, unhealthy, and codependent relationships. General everyday tasks of life can be extremely difficult some days. And when I call my loved ones anytime later than 9pm they answer in panic with, “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
I have been in and out of therapy since the second grade. Sometimes, I would play nice. I would entertain the counselors and talk with them. Other times, I lied and refused to cooperate. And a few times I was just mean. At home I was mean. I would come home angry, frustrated, and lash out at my mom. At school I would play very nice. My teachers would always give positive feedback and rave about how sweet I was leaving my mom baffled.
My mom did the right thing by seeking treatment for me. Although, I know she doubted her skills as a mother trying to deal with my antics. Medicine helped a little. There was a time when I really didn’t know if I would ever be able to live a normal life. I couldn’t handle a sleepover at friends without having a panic attack. How was I going to go to college? Hold a job? Be “normal”? Despite my growing feelings of unworthiness, un-belonging, and loneliness, life carried on.
I was fortunate enough to be introduced to yoga when I was 13. I knew immediately that it was more than a workout. I remember telling my mom, “This helps my anxiety.” I took a Tuesday evening seniors yoga class throughout most of high school. Sometimes, I question if that was the only thing that kept me semi-sane. But eventually by my freshmen year in college, an eating disorder took over my life and I stopped practicing yoga. It would take me awhile to find the practice again.
After a few years of being the definition of unstable (prone to change, fail, or give way) I wandered into a gym to get some of those feel good endorphins moving the healthy way. They offered yoga. I was drawn to the practice yet again. A few weeks into my membership at the gym the universe blessed me. I walked into a class that would shift the course of my life.
It was a physically challenging and hard class. I didn’t think I was going to make it to Savasana, the final pose in all yoga classes. Towards the end of class the teacher had us hold a five-minute Utkatasana: A chair like squat, in which, your thighs begin burning after 3 breaths, and your whole body is shaking after a minute. Five minutes seemed impossible. I kept telling myself, I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I’m going to pass out. I can’t do this. And then I did it.
Why had I been telling myself my whole life I couldn’t do things? I couldn’t be normal. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t good. I was dark. The epiphany hit. I may not be “normal” in the psychological textbook sense or according to some people, but I am enough. And I am strong. I am good. I am light. 6 months later I would be in yoga teacher training.
I had this beautiful moment of truth vibrate within my soul and it will forever be a light on my path. But I still have to work to choose those feelings of worthiness and love…every day. That class wasn’t the end all be all. Thoughts of not being good enough still plague me today. I have come a really long way. Thanks to yoga, meditation, and the most loving support system you could ask for I have found a way to stay closer to the brighter side of life. I am proud to say I have been off medication for 5 years. I am a lot more stable than I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, even last year. I get better each day. But sometimes I lose it. And my depressive, manic and obsessive mind takes over. And it’s scary. I would be a fraud if I said, yep I’m good now, got it all under control.
I’ve read several articles about mental illness, and I am intrigued when they say they “conquered” their illness or addiction. That’s an amazing feat. I don’t discredit that. But for a lot of us it’s not that easy. It’s not about following these 10 simple steps and you will love yourself for the rest of your life. You do not conquer life. You learn to dance with it. You do not conquer mental illness. You learn to take the lead in the dance of the chaotic mind.
Some might question whether or not I am fit to teach with all of my “problems”. I think… who better to teach classes themed around worthiness than someone that has to work extra hard every day to keep that at the forefront of thoughts. Some days, I know and feel my light and truth. Other days, I can’t quite get there. Practicing yoga reminds me how to tap into my wiser more sane self and take the lead in that dance of the monkey mind. Teaching yoga roots me into the truth that not only am I worthy, but everyone is too. We are all worthy of happiness, love, abundance, and a good life. Whether you are an addict, bi-polar, depressed, manic, traumatized, or completely mentally stable and generally happy; We are all worthy just the same.
There are good parents, professional business owners, and successful people that struggle with mental illness, and yet there is still a stigma around it. It’s not that those people just magically fixed their brain. They just work extra hard to not give into the stories the mind makes up. And so instead of saying, I am better now, yay me. I will say this. I am mentally ill. I am also worthy. And strong. I choose to ignore my mind A LOT. I work hard to stay rooted in my truth. I am enough. I matter. I contribute to this world. I am a good person. And I am a damn good yoga teacher.
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”