The end of a relationship is never easy. Especially when you thought there was so much love. It was special. It was real. And then, just like that- it’s over. And you’re left questioning was it real? Was it special? Was it all a lie? How did this happen? Why? Why? Why?
I don’t know that it was ever real. Maybe I just wanted to believe that this was “it”! My last and truest love of this lifetime!
I really don’t know what happened. It was quick. 6 months of mad wild love led to a sudden three days of thinking, an hour of packing up his things, and poof! He’s gone.
But no one’s ever really gone. His songs linger in my memory and his eyes dance behind my own. His smell hugs the closet where he kept his things. Our intimate conversations echo through my bones. His smile squeezes my heart. Memories crash into my chest like ocean waves. And when I lay in bed, I feel the empty space of him throughout my whole being. How long will I hold him here in my body?
I don’t know. I don’t know if it was real or special or how long it will take me to fully process and let go of us. But I do know I’ll be okay. And I may not understand exactly why things played out this way, but I have to believe this experience is expanding me to higher understanding. Returning me to a deeper love. Teaching me to live more fully. I will bow to the lessons with the pain.
I can admit where I lost myself in this relationship, and how detrimental that was. I did not prioritize myself. I fell out of love with myself. And then, so did he. But I will not could’ve, would’ve, should’ve all over myself. Not this time. I will not shame myself into believing I am unlovable. I will fill that empty space with my own self-love. And I know real love will patiently wait for me to remember that I am a Goddess, and love myself again. And while I learn to wait for this real love, I will take radical responsibility for my internal landscape. I will heal myself and turn this bleak heartache to golden wisdom.
Because that’s what I do. That’s who I am. And at the end of the day I know…
I was beautiful in my love. I loved big and I loved hard.
I was beautiful in my honesty. I communicated my truth with Grace.
I was beautiful in sharing my “ugliness”. I did not hold back a single part of me.
I am beautiful in my letting go. And the breaking, the hurt, the tears- They are turning me more beautiful. Making me softer, kinder, and more free.
May we both be healthy, happy, and Free. May we learn and grow from this. May we go our own way, and be brave enough to love again.